Posted on Tuesday 21 August 2007
“My husband comes home, eats and goes straight to his computer. He is there all night and only comes to bed when he is knackered. I feel like he is a piece of the furniture. I cannot seem to get his attention. It is really begining to bother me.”
Ever considered there may be reasons why he does that. Before you do anything, first examine everything else. If you think there are no other reasons for his withdrawal, then play his game.
- Go on MSN and chat him up
- Ask to play a 2 player game with him
- Bet you can beat him at his game
- Send him raunchy pictures of you implying things to come
And if all fails – UNPLUG him!
16 Sep 2008 om 11:18
My husband did the same thing – came home from work, straight to his computer, not speaking. We stopped going out as a couple. I loved him – but he was so boring. I even told him, I would meet someone new – that’s how frustrating our relationship was. Then I found out he had joined a dating site last Christmas! I went totally mad and smashed his laptop computer up. I waited for him to get home from work – as he walked into our living room, I threw all the Christmas tree baubles at him. I’m not a violent person and I never lose my temper easily – but he had pushed me, to my breaking point by joining an online dating site.
An old boyfriend of mine had been in my head for years -I decided to divorce my boring, selfish husband – and get MY life back in order again. I’m now very happy – I want to say Thanks to the Astor sisters who helped me reunite with my old flame.
I love this blog and have saved it as a bookmark.
23 Sep 2008 om 17:21
Unfortunately when we begin ignoring each other, it is the beginning of the end unless we stop it before it is too late. Sometimes, there is very little we can do because after all it takes 2 to tango and if one person does not want to dance… well no tango!
It is really nice to hear that you managed to get your life back. It is never easy and takes strength and perseverance. Congratulations on your new life. (and glad to hear that you like this blog!)
24 Oct 2008 om 23:21
My husband is doing the same thing to me as we speak. He developed a bad problem with internet porn and community sites, and we almost got divorced. Now he feels the need to chat to his buddies on Facebook, Gmail/GoogleTalk, AIM, Skype, Yahoo, or w/e other sites he stays on. Yea… I sadly don’t see us going the long haul. He’d rather spend time with his computer than with me. It does take 2 to tango, and he ain’t dancin’. And my feet are getting real tired.
05 Dec 2008 om 19:09
Hi Jen,
I am sorry to hear that. Have you tried my tips above? Do contact me back, perhaps I can offer you some further indept advice.
06 Dec 2008 om 16:29
Things are going better these days. I blew up at him and it seemed for the first time he realized how big of an issue this is. Every since then, he has been amazing. If I ask him questions about it, he answers honestly, even if he knows it will hurt my feelings. I’m almost positive he has only “slipped up” twice since July, nad even then it was minor.
However, this whole situation ruined my libido. I am angry at the way this has affected us. I don’t look at him the same way anymore, and I don’t want him to touch me. I love him more than anything in the world, but our physical relationship has disappeared.
I’m considering counseling for that problem, because I want this to work and I know he does as well. Wish us luck.
12 Dec 2008 om 20:32
Jen… See my latest post… and GOOD LUCK!
13 Dec 2008 om 10:06
Perhaps this internet fixation could be done away with if you find interesting things to talk about. We often slip into a routine and find ourselves stuck to our computers when we get back home. this is also because we take each other for granted. An idea would be to either find something to do while he is at his pc (so that you’re not just waiting around but doing something you enjoy). Also, you should try talking, making sure you have meals together and being open about the fact that it bothers you. I think Jen was right in being honest about it. The fact that the physical side has disappeared means that perhaps you should start going out together and having fun together again, to rediscover what it was that attracted you in the first place.
26 Dec 2008 om 21:54
My husband is the same way. Its a constant arguement with us.. or rather with me. I told him I get tired of looking at the back of his head while he on the computer – he told me to look in the mirror, I could see his face then.. I dont think I am being selfish by just asking for ONE day that we could spend together without that flipping computer on. I found sites he was a member to and he deleted his accounts. But he is really addicted to the internet. Christmas day I came in the bedroom and he was on the internet again.. he left us in the living room to get on the computer!! A time when you are suppose to want to be with your family..watching kids open gifts,etc. I told him I was leaving. I love him but I cant deal with it anymore. I dont think he cares.. this morning I got up to get my coffee and came back and he was on the internet again. I do everything for him.. and he completely ignores me. Like I said, I do love him.. but I cant compete with the computer.
19 Mar 2009 om 23:10
Hi, I caught my husband cheating on me a year ago. I think that he has been doing this the whole six years with different people. How can I stop thinking about it. Every time I try to trust him I catch him lieing about little things. He seems to be changed as far as drinking and cheating but it stays on my mind. I find myself jealous and checking up on him and I also accuse him of things I only think could be happening. In return, he gets mad, ignores me, he won’t even eat the food I cook for him. When I open my mouth he automatic takes what I say in a bad way and curses me, I usually am only trying to start a conversation. He will gobetween 3- 9 days completely not speaking. I feel like I’m trying to make our marrige work but it is literlly killing merge way I’m being ignored. It makes me hurt with real pain and I feel like leaving him and my kids to get away from the pain. When my kids are bad and he’s ignoring me I pray for god to take me. His ignoring me turns me upside down. I lost my job. I can’t sleep at night. Do you think there is nythong I could do to change MYSELF? Or should I just leave him? Please help if you can I am a good person really, but I don’t have any friends because 6 years ago he was stict but now I just got use to being home and not going nowhere. If you can’t help thanks anyway.
30 Apr 2009 om 9:16
my husband of almost 4 years does the exact same thing.he goes to work and than goes right into his office on the computer for hours each day.when i tell him how i feel about this and that he never eats dinner with us or spends time away from his computer he yells and gets mad and says he is “working”.working includes emails,selling items on ebay,fantasy football and watching the stocks also watching his favorite shows.We also never do anything together as a family and when we do he doesn’t hardly talk to me and I am very very upset and frustrated and always have thoughts of leaving.I have suggested counseling to make our communication stronger but he gives me excuses that he doesn’t have the time cause he works 2 jobs but he does find the time to go bowling,hockey and go on golf outings.I honestly believe my husband doesn’t care if I’m here or not and i always tell him I love him and want to work things out but he always has something better to do or nothing to say at all.I’m scared to leave right now but if this is how our relationship will be forever I will definitely leave!!!!
05 May 2009 om 0:53
My husband does this to. I feel like a closet wife. My son feels it to. He won’t talk to us unles we are in the computer room. But even then, he says he is too tired and that I bug him because I require his attention. He won’t spend time with me and says that dating is a waste of money.I am angry with him and resentful. I am also very mean to him now or I just cry and crying just makes him mad. He doesn’t seem to care.
08 Jun 2009 om 8:25
stephanie I was just wondering how old your son is and does your husband interract with him at all? are you a stay at home mom like myself?I love being home with my daughter and now I have a son on the way.my husband does pay attention to our daughter but I don’t like that I have to ask him to do things with us or to spend time with us together as a family.as a husband and father don’t you think he should want to be with his wife and children? or is this too much for women to ask from them?
09 Jun 2009 om 2:04
I just came upon this and im really upset that it has actually brought me to tears just reading everyones problems here that are so similar to my own, no i dont think he is cheating on me but yeah i feel taken for granted for since a while back, He is a good person but i really feel he doesnt care about my feelings anymore or goes out of his to really and simply make me happy, we have been living together for a year now, and his life at home is with the computer and isnt with me except for dinner. We really dont kiss alot anymore, and he is snappy with me all the time unless he is in a really good mood. when i do want to spend time with him or try to talk to him he makes me feel like im bothering him, he doesnt realize he is killing our relationship. Ive tried to do things seperate to like going out social dancing but it really hurts me that he doesnt make the initiative to spend time with me. I dont think im being selfish we both work and i do so much too. I dont know what to do anymore now i feel just kind of numb to it but i know I cant live a long marriage like this and its upsetting to feel like its never going to change. I dont know what to do.
11 Jun 2009 om 14:31
I believe that, while you should try very hard, sometimes you must put your foot down. One of the reasons it is so intolerable is because we sit around rather than get on with our thing. Of course it’s easier said than done. If it’s just a few weeks it’s probably a phase but if it’s constant you need to talk openly. I often find that chatting to my man on msn and discussing those problems helps because if he won’t take up a conversation then he will reply to an msn comment… and its without the shouting!
18 Jun 2009 om 20:20
Hi, My husband spends all of his time on the computer. He stays on all day and way late at night till early morning. He doesn’t work since we moved from out of state. I work and when I come home he doesn’t even get off the computer to say hi, he just sits there or goes and gets a beer and ignores me. He has a blog and spends all of his time there and talks to other women who comment. I have told him till I am blue in the face of how this makes me feel, he just yells and screams at me saying I am the problem. I am so ready quit! I am so angry at him!
23 Jun 2009 om 21:02
Same crap here.. My husband has never showed any signs that he is cheating. I will often sneak up a hug and I feel as though he doesnt want me around. I stay away from him until he gets off the pc, and hug him but I still feel as though he pushes me away.. Im very frustrated, sad and all. Cuz the only time I feel that im important to him is when HE wants to have sex. Can this be a sign that he is cheating or maybe considering to cheat? Im always wondering this.. I also cry very often when im alone, cuz I feel lonely. I also feel like I became the closet wife, and im 28 yrs old. I need a little romance, and someone that looks like he is into me as m uch as im into him.. thats all i ask.
16 Jul 2009 om 21:11
I been married 7 years have 2 adorable kids. But one problem my husband has always been in to computer games but now I notice he’s been loging in more and more. I dont know what to think or do. I care about my family but I am very unhappy as a wife. Please help. Give me some feed back.
13 Aug 2009 om 15:41
I am currently pregnant of our second child, I am a stay at home mom, and my husband has been working around the clock, sometimes he says he is working but he is hanging out with his friends until 5am. I am due soon and I am constantly alone at home with my daugther who he barely sees, I dont have any help from him around the house, I take care of litteraly EVERYTHING taking out garbage, dog, cat, kids, cleaning, installing new curtains, to cleaning up the yard. I feel like a single mom, only with a man that comes in and out to sleep and eat leaving a mess behind(doesnt even pick up his dishes and leaves his dirty clothes on the floor). When I try to talk to him about me needing help and me feeling alone, he gets mad, screams and nothing changes. He cheated on me when I was pregnant of our first child and the woman keeps stalking us ever since. I dont have any family in the country and nowhere to go is we separate, since I cant leave the country with my kids withtout his authorisation . He has gotten very abusive mentally, very posessive, very rude and it has gotten me so depressed. He puts his friends first and runs out the door when they call. He never wants or has time to do things with us, not even to come to the doctors appointments for my pregnancy.
I dont know what to do anymore, I for sure cant take this any longer.
13 Aug 2009 om 15:46
I feel used and abused and taken for granted, I am a very attractive woman, and talented as a mom at home. But he still gets mad if the pair of pants he wants is in the wash. It has gotten ridiculous, he treats me like a maid. I am exhausted from the pregancy and all the chores, I cant sleep at night from anxiety. I am tired of crying.
18 Aug 2009 om 10:11
Stephanie and Danielle:
I’ve been married for 15 years and my husband acts the exact same way. Each day I’ve been hoping that things would change and here I am 15 years later still looking up reasons why my husband won’t talk to me. Nothing has changed!!! I should’ve left many, many years ago, but I was scared. Now I’ve shown my kids that your spouse doesn’t need to pay attention to you and that makes me feel horrible.
17 years ago I quit college because I met this wonderful man. We got married, had two children. Now this wonderful man has turned into someone I hate with a passion. He has been addicted to porn throughout our entire marriage, we have sex about once every 3 months because that’s when he needs to feel a real person rather than his hand!!
Monday thru Friday he goes to work at 6:00 am and doesn’t come home until 8:00 pm or 9:00 pm. He gets his dinner and goes straight to the computer and stays on there for an hour and goes to bed. On weekends he goes to all kinds of sporting events with his Dad, Mom, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins!! We can’t afford four tickets to these events so he can afford to go with his family. I have left with the children a few times and each time I come back, he’s mister wonderful for about a month and then it goes back to the same old routine. Nothing will ever change. I can not afford to divorce and support my girls on my own, and yes I have figured out child support and it still doesn’t cut it.
We have done counseling numerous times and he acts like this angel in front of the counselor and when we got to the parking lot he would scold me and tell me I was trying to make him look bad, so then he would give me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks.
So, to all you ladies out there, if you have hope that you’re man will change, I just want you to know that he won’t!!!! My advice is to leave if you can, and if you can’t, then plan on a very lonely life!
I told my husband the other day that being in a grave would be a happier life that what our marriage has been.
19 Nov 2009 om 23:30
It’s shocking to see how many of us aree afraid or unable to stand up. I wonder why?
26 Nov 2009 om 14:15
My husband and I have been married for less than a year. The first few months were great.
Now – he comes home, switches on the computer, grunts responses and never listens to what I say. We rarely eat together as he arranges things to make that impossible. He will always go to bed at least an hour after I have gone to bed but usually it is several hours after. One time I forced myself to stay awake and told him that I wasn’t going to bed until he came with me, so 6am was the time we went to bed, but only after I hit the roof.
He takes things the wrong way and at times it seems as though he is looking for an excuse to blame me for something.
I have spoken to him about this but no good. I have told him I am unhappy with how things are and he doesn’t care. I have told him I want to play online games with him but he won’t add me and then he just stops playing games and just surfs the internet instead and reads all about baseball… solitary stuff that he says I can’t do with him. Any arrangements I make to have a date night fall flat. He always fixes his work schedule to make it impossible or some other excuse. I dressed up sexy and he told me to go into the bedroom and get started and he’ll be in in a minute. I was left waiting.
He is blocking me out from his life.
I want to give him a taste of his own medicine but that is just not me. I have noticed that I seem to be subconsciously physically hurting him and other things: in the middle of the night I will kick him when I am half-asleep; let the door slam in his face even though I know he is walking directly behind me and should keep it open; twice accidentally knocked over a glass of coke onto his keyboard and computer; spilt his plate of food as I place it on the table; physically bump into him very hard; etc.
It seems so soon to be talking divorce and that is such a big move, even more so because he is in this country on a temporary spouse visa and if we divorce he will have to leave the country. But I can’t live like this. I am starting to really hate him. I think the next thing I will do is to try and enjoy my life as though he isn’t here.
25 Jan 2010 om 13:34
I can relate to all you ladies. My husband does all the things yours do except he did reduce his porn about 80%
He is pretty helpful with the boys and will show affection or intereact with me but only if I ask. It doesn’t come from him. When I call him at work any pause in conversation and he says, “ok” as if to say, “Ok, are you done so I can go now.” He is up and down during dinner or won’t eat with us anyway. He’ll eat after the boys go to bed. He claims he wants a cooked meal and doesn’t want to rush (we have 2 hours after work to feed and bathe the boys so I mostly have quick fix meals like soup or grilled cheese etc.) And he rarely goes to bed before me. He goes 10 min. to 2 – 3 hours after or just sleeps on the couch.
That’s my not trusting myself that got me into this. I knew he was wrong for me deep down but I didn’t trust that feeling. He hurts my feelings more than any man ever has. I’ve researched his behaviors and found that he’s passive aggressive, an invalidator, emotionally abusive, manipulative and he’s a huge procrastinator. We’ve been to a few counselors and he just diverts and denies and appears so calm, cool, relaxed, innocent that we can never get anything accomplished.
I have my faults too. I’m a total nag because he doesn’t help much with the housework. I do way more than he and we both work full time. it is unfair.
every thing in life he puts off and just sits there avoiding it. He is kind of a loser. His friends think he is awesome because he is the laid-back, funny, easygoing/flexible, humble, meek friend. But at home he is just vicious. He gets revenge on me for my reacting negatively to his bad behaviors. So he never has to pay any price for what he does.
I’ve stopped doing his laundry because he said, “the more you try to stop me from watching porn, which he says is normal and healthy, the more you make it taboo”. So his clothes stay in a huge pile in the basement and he just washes his favorites once a week then leaves them unfolded on the bed till he wears each piece. He’s a pain in the ass. So I say to him, “just wanted to make your porn more taboo for you.” this all started because he left his tracks and I saw the temporary folders names with the porn he previously viewed. I told him if he were going to do it, have some respect for me and never leave a trace. He’s too lazy.
I know I really should leave him but I do love him. I hate myself for saying those words. And he’s hilarious and unique but he’s really hard to live with, he pretends he can’t hear me every single day and he ignores me. I think about the boys and just don’t want them to deal with divorce but I think it might be best in some cases.
25 Jan 2010 om 19:53
I posted awhile back regarding my husband and his computer addiction. I just wanted to give an update. Although things are not perfect.. they have improved!! I do not know what caused it.. well, yeah I think I do. I sat down and nicely ( ok..so maybe not so calm.. I kinda flipped out and left for alittle bit..lol) told him yet again how it makes me feel. See, I do not care he plays on computer..I just want SOME of his time. But still that didnt change.. so I just started making less time for him. I started playing the computer when he would come to sit down and watch TV with me. Maybe it was a taste of his own medicine. Maybe after all this time it hit him.. I dont know. But like I said.. I still think he is playing it alot but at least he is including me in his life and that is all I asked for. I do love him and I am in love with him. But I was at the point of divorce and I told him that.
26 Jan 2010 om 16:39
My husband ignores me too. Its sad he’s a great guy, hard working and a good father. He had a emotional relationship with my sister last year and I. Told him to stop but he brushed it off like he didn’t do any wrong. He rushes to her aid whenever she gets depressed and will sneek out of the house and be with her to 5 in the morning. We both work and he spends all his time on the computer. I even told him I needed qt time with him. Another thing I wanted to go to this youth church service with him and asked him for 4yrs to go and he always made an excuse not to go. We already go to church together so I don’t know why he didn’t want to go. Then after 4yrs I stopped asking And then one night he says he’s going to go with his brother. I miss him, but he makes me feel stupid, anoying and unwanted. I don’t know why he doesn’t want me or take me places anymore. I’m really hurt.
03 Feb 2010 om 11:52
I love my huband very much but it is getting harder. H e doesnt talk to me. He walks away, turns his back on me. Blames me for our problems or any problem. When I try to talk to him he just wont answer or he tells me to get out of his face. He doesnt talk to me about our finances. I am not included in any decisions and he doesnt tell me. I just find out accidently eventually. I am so sad and lost now I don’t even know what to think except I know how he treats me is wrong.
12 Feb 2010 om 0:25
An update on my situation – I left and stayed with my parents for two months to give us some time apart. A month in we decided for a divorce and I spent the other month preparing and making plans for separating.
We have to live together for the next six months for financial reasons, but I have to say that I feel REALLY good now!!! I am uninterested in what he does and am happy when he stays out all night. Up until two months ago I would have been pacing the floor wondering where he is and what he is doing.
For the first time since we married I don’t go to sleep feeling miserable nor wake up with a heavy feeling in my heart.
I am not proud that I have a failed marriage but I don’t want the rest of my life to be how it was last year, so I have had to swallow my pride and admit I (we) made a mistake in getting married to each other. I feel happy an optimistic now.
12 Feb 2010 om 8:09
Kate – Thanks for the update, please see the post A New Begining.