Cupidopolis

With Valentine’s on the loom… love is in the air! Or is it the air of discontent? If you just take a look at all the comments under my post – My husband ignores me, then you would begin to see just how many people are unhappy with their relationship.

I think one of the biggest problems we face is that we tend to take our partners for granted. In the begining of a relationship we tend to do stuff for each other but then we grow to expect them off each other and that is when the trouble begins. I was once advised before I got married to never do something for my future husband that I don’t intend to continue doing for the rest of my life. Probably the best advice I ever got. In other words we forget to be grateful for what our partners do for us and expect it instead. And when we do not get what we expect, then we end up upset and possibly end up in an argument.

So what can we do about it? Well we need to take a step back and think about all the things that your partner does for you and be happy about it. And it cannot be that your partner does nothing. It could be that cup of tea or taking out the trash or even taking your kid out on a Saturday. Then show your appreciation. Gratitude goes a long way.

Then if you really want to try hard, do something nice for your partner that won’t be expected. Again, it might be a cup of tea after a hard day at work or a romantic text or even run a warm bath accompanied with a glass of their favourite tipple.

Good Luck… and feel free to let me know what results you have with my tips!

“My husband and I have been married for less than a year. The first few months were great.

Now – he comes home, switches on the computer, grunts responses and never listens to what I say. We rarely eat together as he arranges things to make that impossible. He will always go to bed at least an hour after I have gone to bed but usually it is several hours after. One time I forced myself to stay awake and told him that I wasn’t going to bed until he came with me, so 6am was the time we went to bed, but only after I hit the roof.

He takes things the wrong way and at times it seems as though he is looking for an excuse to blame me for something.

I have spoken to him about this but no good. I have told him I am unhappy with how things are and he doesn’t care. I have told him I want to play online games with him but he won’t add me and then he just stops playing games and just surfs the internet instead and reads all about baseball… solitary stuff that he says I can’t do with him. Any arrangements I make to have a date night fall flat. He always fixes his work schedule to make it impossible or some other excuse. I dressed up sexy and he told me to go into the bedroom and get started and he’ll be in in a minute. I was left waiting.

He is blocking me out from his life.

I want to give him a taste of his own medicine but that is just not me. I have noticed that I seem to be subconsciously physically hurting him and other things: in the middle of the night I will kick him when I am half-asleep; let the door slam in his face even though I know he is walking directly behind me and should keep it open; twice accidentally knocked over a glass of coke onto his keyboard and computer; spilt his plate of food as I place it on the table; physically bump into him very hard; etc.

It seems so soon to be talking divorce and that is such a big move, even more so because he is in this country on a temporary spouse visa and if we divorce he will have to leave the country. But I can’t live like this. I am starting to really hate him. I think the next thing I will do is to try and enjoy my life as though he isn’t here.”

“An update on my situation – I left and stayed with my parents for two months to give us some time apart. A month in we decided for a divorce and I spent the other month preparing and making plans for separating.

We have to live together for the next six months for financial reasons, but I have to say that I feel REALLY good now!!! I am uninterested in what he does and am happy when he stays out all night. Up until two months ago I would have been pacing the floor wondering where he is and what he is doing.

For the first time since we married I don’t go to sleep feeling miserable nor wake up with a heavy feeling in my heart.

I am not proud that I have a failed marriage but I don’t want the rest of my life to be how it was last year, so I have had to swallow my pride and admit I (we) made a mistake in getting married to each other. I feel happy an optimistic now.”

Do not look upon this as a failure. In life there are always two ways to see things. The glass can be half full or half empty. You took control of your life and sought your happiness, and that is brilliant. Obviously it was not working as you both agreed to a divorce. Yes, there might have been something that could have saved the marriage, but the reality was far more likely that things would have remained status quo. Life is too short to live a miserable existence. Your divorce seems amicable too, which is a really great thing as many divorces become acrimonious, painful and hurtful.

Although this time is painful, it is a time for healing and new beginings. With the fact that you will live together for 6 months or so, you might find that you remember who and why you fell in love with and things might be able to start over without the current pressures you have today. Meanwhile, think of this step as a halfway house. A step to your new independance, freedom and happiness.

Good luck with all your upcoming changes. You will be so much stronger for them.

“Things are going better these days. I blew up at him and it seemed for the first time he realized how big of an issue this is. Every since then, he has been amazing. If I ask him questions about it, he answers honestly, even if he knows it will hurt my feelings. I’m almost positive he has only “slipped up” twice since July, and even then it was minor.

However, this whole situation ruined my libido. I am angry at the way this has affected us. I don’t look at him the same way anymore, and I don’t want him to touch me. I love him more than anything in the world, but our physical relationship has disappeared.

I’m considering counseling for that problem, because I want this to work and I know he does as well. Wish us luck.”

Hi. It is nice to hear that things are actually going quite well. It is never easy especially when pulling yourselves out of a bad patch. Generally it is always easier to sink than swim but you seem to both be swimming.

Counselling can help. But meanwhile you might also find that trying to start anew might help. I know it is not really possible to start from scratch but going out for dates (like when you first started dating) and doing things together (even if washing the dishes), preparing a special meal and lighting the room with Circle E Candles can bring on a touch of romance… which in turn can do wonders for your relationship.

Love is always worth working for… and as long as you both are happy to work for it… you will both prosper. You will have both ups and downs but treasure the ups and work through the downs. You do seem to have something worth the effort. I do wish you both the very best and if you need anything, do not hesitate to contact me again.

Getting married is more stressful than most brides would care to admit. It is pretty normal to find that you end up tearing your hair out because you cannot decide on which unique wedding favors you are going to choose and if you want chocolate cake or fruit cake. Then worrying about the hair that you pulled out!

Seriously speaking, getting married should be a wonderful time. It is not worth getting stressed about it. Take it one step at a time and enjoy every moment. After all, it is not everyday that you get married. Enjoy it and relax!

“When my boyfriend meets up with his friends I keep being ignored. When they are around they are always talking about things like Yamaha rhino parts, racing, bikes, sports and so on. Yet when he joins my friends he always grumbles. I am getting really irritated. Any suggestions?”

Glad to hear it is not a serious issue, especially if this is your only problem. A couple of suggestions include :-

• Have your mates days on the same day – both sets together should give a better balanced conversation.
• You meet your friends while he meets his friends on the same day and neither of you lose out.
• Take a female friend with you when you meet his friends. He should also do the same.
• Speak to your friends girlfriends – they probably have more friendly conversation and are probably in your situation!
• Last but not least speak to your boyfriend because he might also have a suggestion or two!

Good Luck!

“I have cancer. And although I have accepted that I may die from it, I need to prepare myself. I have children and this is the bit I find the hardest. I don’t want them to forget just how much I love them. They are still so young!”

Having any illness is never easy but having a terminal illness is tragic. Unfortunately death is a sad fact of life. The only thing we are ever sure of, is that we will all die at some point. I know this is no consolation but at least you have time to prepare.

Written words can last a life time. Do write each of them a letter to tell them how you feel about them. They will treasure this all of their lives. You can also get them personalised engravable gifts which could be a keepsake. A symbol of your love for them. But most importantly, you need to sit with them and explain to them what you are going through. They too need to be prepared. Children are aware when things are not right. They may even suspect what you are going through, but they do need to hear it from you. You need to sit with them, speak to them and tell them what you feel and most importantly, tell them just how much you love them!

“It is my parents 25th Anniversary and I am stuck for a gift. You see I never imagined they would make it to this stage as they fight a lot. I don’t just want to pick any odd thing but at the same time I want it special. I don’t want to get them a present each either. It feels almost wrong to buy them a gift as they fight so much!”.

Sometimes fighting is what makes the relationship. The fact that they made it to 25 years, especially in a day and age where divorce is so readily available, says something for them. Just because they argue a lot does not mean they don’t love each other. In fact they proved just how special their relationship is by having been together 25 years. You really should celebrate this great occasion.

Their 25th is their Silver Anniversary, so I would recommend getting them something silver. A good couple of silver gifts ideas could be salt & pepper which could represent their contrasts and their being complimentary. Or perhaps a frame with a sentimental photo of perhaps their wedding day.

And most importantly don’t forget to congratulate them. It is not easy reaching such a milestone, especially if they have such an emotional relationship.

“I was told that it is safe to have sex if I have never had a period yet as it means that I cannot get pregnant. Is this true?”

Technically speaking, not having a menstrual cycle (period) means that you are not ovulating, which technically speaking means that you cannot conceive.

However, and this is the important factor… people have a menstrual cycle after ovulation. Therefore you can first ovulate without having yet had a period and can conceive before ever having a period.

So although if you do not menstruate, you are not ovulating therefore cannot conceive, you do not know when your first cycle / ovulation will happen, and therefore you may still get pregnant even if you have not had a period to date.

The only ways to prevent pregnancy are abstention (100% safe) or using contraceptives (up to 99.9% safe if used accurately). 

On another note…. if you have not yet had a period, do you really think that you are mature enough to be having sex?

It is not unheard of that a person finds out that a child they thought was theirs, is not actually their biological child. This does not mean that the child is no longer theirs. The child will know the parent as their parent and the love a child has for their parents knows no limit. Often these hurt parents retaliate by abandoning the kids but this means that the child gets hurt in the process.

The child might not be biologically theirs but before they knew that the child was not biologically theirs, did they not grow to love the child? Seeing it from a different perspective, an adopted child is not biologically the adoptive parents but do they love them any less… NO! So essentially there is no difference.

The thing to remember is the child is the one who will be hurt the most by the whole situation.

“How do you stop loving someone when they do not love you back?”

Stopping love is impossible. We do not chose who we love, it just grows. Nor do we have a choice on who loves us back. You can love from afar but that too is painful.

Sadly the only cure is time and even that is not a cure. Time eases the pain and does not stop you loving them.

Keeping yourself occupied will help time pass and can temporarily even ease the pain.

May time pass quickly for you.