My husband ignores me

“My husband comes home, eats and goes straight to his computer. He is there all night and only comes to bed when he is knackered. I feel like he is a piece of the furniture. I cannot seem to get his attention. It is really begining to bother me.”

Ever considered there may be reasons why he does that. Before you do anything, first examine everything else. If you think there are no other reasons for his withdrawal, then play his game.

  • Go on MSN and chat him up
  • Ask to play a 2 player game with him
  • Bet you can beat him at his game
  • Send him raunchy pictures of you implying things to come

And if all fails – UNPLUG him!

73 thoughts on “My husband ignores me

  1. Sarah Hunter

    My husband did the same thing – came home from work, straight to his computer, not speaking. We stopped going out as a couple. I loved him – but he was so boring. I even told him, I would meet someone new – that’s how frustrating our relationship was. Then I found out he had joined a dating site last Christmas! I went totally mad and smashed his laptop computer up. I waited for him to get home from work – as he walked into our living room, I threw all the Christmas tree baubles at him. I’m not a violent person and I never lose my temper easily – but he had pushed me, to my breaking point by joining an online dating site.

    An old boyfriend of mine had been in my head for years -I decided to divorce my boring, selfish husband – and get MY life back in order again. I’m now very happy – I want to say Thanks to the Astor sisters who helped me reunite with my old flame.

    I love this blog and have saved it as a bookmark.

  2. camille Post author

    Unfortunately when we begin ignoring each other, it is the beginning of the end unless we stop it before it is too late. Sometimes, there is very little we can do because after all it takes 2 to tango and if one person does not want to dance… well no tango!

    It is really nice to hear that you managed to get your life back. It is never easy and takes strength and perseverance. Congratulations on your new life. (and glad to hear that you like this blog!)

  3. Jen

    My husband is doing the same thing to me as we speak. He developed a bad problem with internet porn and community sites, and we almost got divorced. Now he feels the need to chat to his buddies on Facebook, Gmail/GoogleTalk, AIM, Skype, Yahoo, or w/e other sites he stays on. Yea… I sadly don’t see us going the long haul. He’d rather spend time with his computer than with me. It does take 2 to tango, and he ain’t dancin’. And my feet are getting real tired.

  4. camille Post author

    Hi Jen,
    I am sorry to hear that. Have you tried my tips above? Do contact me back, perhaps I can offer you some further indept advice.

  5. jen

    Things are going better these days. I blew up at him and it seemed for the first time he realized how big of an issue this is. Every since then, he has been amazing. If I ask him questions about it, he answers honestly, even if he knows it will hurt my feelings. I’m almost positive he has only “slipped up” twice since July, nad even then it was minor.

    However, this whole situation ruined my libido. I am angry at the way this has affected us. I don’t look at him the same way anymore, and I don’t want him to touch me. I love him more than anything in the world, but our physical relationship has disappeared.

    I’m considering counseling for that problem, because I want this to work and I know he does as well. Wish us luck.

  6. Geraldine

    Perhaps this internet fixation could be done away with if you find interesting things to talk about. We often slip into a routine and find ourselves stuck to our computers when we get back home. this is also because we take each other for granted. An idea would be to either find something to do while he is at his pc (so that you’re not just waiting around but doing something you enjoy). Also, you should try talking, making sure you have meals together and being open about the fact that it bothers you. I think Jen was right in being honest about it. The fact that the physical side has disappeared means that perhaps you should start going out together and having fun together again, to rediscover what it was that attracted you in the first place.

  7. kristie

    My husband is the same way. Its a constant arguement with us.. or rather with me. I told him I get tired of looking at the back of his head while he on the computer – he told me to look in the mirror, I could see his face then.. I dont think I am being selfish by just asking for ONE day that we could spend together without that flipping computer on. I found sites he was a member to and he deleted his accounts. But he is really addicted to the internet. Christmas day I came in the bedroom and he was on the internet again.. he left us in the living room to get on the computer!! A time when you are suppose to want to be with your family..watching kids open gifts,etc. I told him I was leaving. I love him but I cant deal with it anymore. I dont think he cares.. this morning I got up to get my coffee and came back and he was on the internet again. I do everything for him.. and he completely ignores me. Like I said, I do love him.. but I cant compete with the computer.

  8. Angela Najera

    Hi, I caught my husband cheating on me a year ago. I think that he has been doing this the whole six years with different people. How can I stop thinking about it. Every time I try to trust him I catch him lieing about little things. He seems to be changed as far as drinking and cheating but it stays on my mind. I find myself jealous and checking up on him and I also accuse him of things I only think could be happening. In return, he gets mad, ignores me, he won’t even eat the food I cook for him. When I open my mouth he automatic takes what I say in a bad way and curses me, I usually am only trying to start a conversation. He will gobetween 3- 9 days completely not speaking. I feel like I’m trying to make our marrige work but it is literlly killing merge way I’m being ignored. It makes me hurt with real pain and I feel like leaving him and my kids to get away from the pain. When my kids are bad and he’s ignoring me I pray for god to take me. His ignoring me turns me upside down. I lost my job. I can’t sleep at night. Do you think there is nythong I could do to change MYSELF? Or should I just leave him? Please help if you can I am a good person really, but I don’t have any friends because 6 years ago he was stict but now I just got use to being home and not going nowhere. If you can’t help thanks anyway.

  9. Danielle

    my husband of almost 4 years does the exact same thing.he goes to work and than goes right into his office on the computer for hours each day.when i tell him how i feel about this and that he never eats dinner with us or spends time away from his computer he yells and gets mad and says he is “working”.working includes emails,selling items on ebay,fantasy football and watching the stocks also watching his favorite shows.We also never do anything together as a family and when we do he doesn’t hardly talk to me and I am very very upset and frustrated and always have thoughts of leaving.I have suggested counseling to make our communication stronger but he gives me excuses that he doesn’t have the time cause he works 2 jobs but he does find the time to go bowling,hockey and go on golf outings.I honestly believe my husband doesn’t care if I’m here or not and i always tell him I love him and want to work things out but he always has something better to do or nothing to say at all.I’m scared to leave right now but if this is how our relationship will be forever I will definitely leave!!!!

  10. stephanie

    My husband does this to. I feel like a closet wife. My son feels it to. He won’t talk to us unles we are in the computer room. But even then, he says he is too tired and that I bug him because I require his attention. He won’t spend time with me and says that dating is a waste of money.I am angry with him and resentful. I am also very mean to him now or I just cry and crying just makes him mad. He doesn’t seem to care.

  11. Danielle

    stephanie I was just wondering how old your son is and does your husband interract with him at all? are you a stay at home mom like myself?I love being home with my daughter and now I have a son on the way.my husband does pay attention to our daughter but I don’t like that I have to ask him to do things with us or to spend time with us together as a family.as a husband and father don’t you think he should want to be with his wife and children? or is this too much for women to ask from them?

  12. Jennifer

    I just came upon this and im really upset that it has actually brought me to tears just reading everyones problems here that are so similar to my own, no i dont think he is cheating on me but yeah i feel taken for granted for since a while back, He is a good person but i really feel he doesnt care about my feelings anymore or goes out of his to really and simply make me happy, we have been living together for a year now, and his life at home is with the computer and isnt with me except for dinner. We really dont kiss alot anymore, and he is snappy with me all the time unless he is in a really good mood. when i do want to spend time with him or try to talk to him he makes me feel like im bothering him, he doesnt realize he is killing our relationship. Ive tried to do things seperate to like going out social dancing but it really hurts me that he doesnt make the initiative to spend time with me. I dont think im being selfish we both work and i do so much too. I dont know what to do anymore now i feel just kind of numb to it but i know I cant live a long marriage like this and its upsetting to feel like its never going to change. I dont know what to do.

  13. Geraldine Spiteri

    I believe that, while you should try very hard, sometimes you must put your foot down. One of the reasons it is so intolerable is because we sit around rather than get on with our thing. Of course it’s easier said than done. If it’s just a few weeks it’s probably a phase but if it’s constant you need to talk openly. I often find that chatting to my man on msn and discussing those problems helps because if he won’t take up a conversation then he will reply to an msn comment… and its without the shouting!

  14. Terri

    Hi, My husband spends all of his time on the computer. He stays on all day and way late at night till early morning. He doesn’t work since we moved from out of state. I work and when I come home he doesn’t even get off the computer to say hi, he just sits there or goes and gets a beer and ignores me. He has a blog and spends all of his time there and talks to other women who comment. I have told him till I am blue in the face of how this makes me feel, he just yells and screams at me saying I am the problem. I am so ready quit! I am so angry at him!

  15. Leah

    Same crap here.. My husband has never showed any signs that he is cheating. I will often sneak up a hug and I feel as though he doesnt want me around. I stay away from him until he gets off the pc, and hug him but I still feel as though he pushes me away.. Im very frustrated, sad and all. Cuz the only time I feel that im important to him is when HE wants to have sex. Can this be a sign that he is cheating or maybe considering to cheat? Im always wondering this.. I also cry very often when im alone, cuz I feel lonely. I also feel like I became the closet wife, and im 28 yrs old. I need a little romance, and someone that looks like he is into me as m uch as im into him.. thats all i ask.

  16. Amalia

    I been married 7 years have 2 adorable kids. But one problem my husband has always been in to computer games but now I notice he’s been loging in more and more. I dont know what to think or do. I care about my family but I am very unhappy as a wife. Please help. Give me some feed back.

  17. Sue

    I am currently pregnant of our second child, I am a stay at home mom, and my husband has been working around the clock, sometimes he says he is working but he is hanging out with his friends until 5am. I am due soon and I am constantly alone at home with my daugther who he barely sees, I dont have any help from him around the house, I take care of litteraly EVERYTHING taking out garbage, dog, cat, kids, cleaning, installing new curtains, to cleaning up the yard. I feel like a single mom, only with a man that comes in and out to sleep and eat leaving a mess behind(doesnt even pick up his dishes and leaves his dirty clothes on the floor). When I try to talk to him about me needing help and me feeling alone, he gets mad, screams and nothing changes. He cheated on me when I was pregnant of our first child and the woman keeps stalking us ever since. I dont have any family in the country and nowhere to go is we separate, since I cant leave the country with my kids withtout his authorisation . He has gotten very abusive mentally, very posessive, very rude and it has gotten me so depressed. He puts his friends first and runs out the door when they call. He never wants or has time to do things with us, not even to come to the doctors appointments for my pregnancy.
    I dont know what to do anymore, I for sure cant take this any longer.

  18. Sue

    I feel used and abused and taken for granted, I am a very attractive woman, and talented as a mom at home. But he still gets mad if the pair of pants he wants is in the wash. It has gotten ridiculous, he treats me like a maid. I am exhausted from the pregancy and all the chores, I cant sleep at night from anxiety. I am tired of crying.

  19. Kim

    Stephanie and Danielle:
    I’ve been married for 15 years and my husband acts the exact same way. Each day I’ve been hoping that things would change and here I am 15 years later still looking up reasons why my husband won’t talk to me. Nothing has changed!!! I should’ve left many, many years ago, but I was scared. Now I’ve shown my kids that your spouse doesn’t need to pay attention to you and that makes me feel horrible.
    17 years ago I quit college because I met this wonderful man. We got married, had two children. Now this wonderful man has turned into someone I hate with a passion. He has been addicted to porn throughout our entire marriage, we have sex about once every 3 months because that’s when he needs to feel a real person rather than his hand!!
    Monday thru Friday he goes to work at 6:00 am and doesn’t come home until 8:00 pm or 9:00 pm. He gets his dinner and goes straight to the computer and stays on there for an hour and goes to bed. On weekends he goes to all kinds of sporting events with his Dad, Mom, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins!! We can’t afford four tickets to these events so he can afford to go with his family. I have left with the children a few times and each time I come back, he’s mister wonderful for about a month and then it goes back to the same old routine. Nothing will ever change. I can not afford to divorce and support my girls on my own, and yes I have figured out child support and it still doesn’t cut it.
    We have done counseling numerous times and he acts like this angel in front of the counselor and when we got to the parking lot he would scold me and tell me I was trying to make him look bad, so then he would give me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks.
    So, to all you ladies out there, if you have hope that you’re man will change, I just want you to know that he won’t!!!! My advice is to leave if you can, and if you can’t, then plan on a very lonely life!
    I told my husband the other day that being in a grave would be a happier life that what our marriage has been.

  20. Kate

    My husband and I have been married for less than a year. The first few months were great.

    Now – he comes home, switches on the computer, grunts responses and never listens to what I say. We rarely eat together as he arranges things to make that impossible. He will always go to bed at least an hour after I have gone to bed but usually it is several hours after. One time I forced myself to stay awake and told him that I wasn’t going to bed until he came with me, so 6am was the time we went to bed, but only after I hit the roof.

    He takes things the wrong way and at times it seems as though he is looking for an excuse to blame me for something.

    I have spoken to him about this but no good. I have told him I am unhappy with how things are and he doesn’t care. I have told him I want to play online games with him but he won’t add me and then he just stops playing games and just surfs the internet instead and reads all about baseball… solitary stuff that he says I can’t do with him. Any arrangements I make to have a date night fall flat. He always fixes his work schedule to make it impossible or some other excuse. I dressed up sexy and he told me to go into the bedroom and get started and he’ll be in in a minute. I was left waiting.

    He is blocking me out from his life.

    I want to give him a taste of his own medicine but that is just not me. I have noticed that I seem to be subconsciously physically hurting him and other things: in the middle of the night I will kick him when I am half-asleep; let the door slam in his face even though I know he is walking directly behind me and should keep it open; twice accidentally knocked over a glass of coke onto his keyboard and computer; spilt his plate of food as I place it on the table; physically bump into him very hard; etc.

    It seems so soon to be talking divorce and that is such a big move, even more so because he is in this country on a temporary spouse visa and if we divorce he will have to leave the country. But I can’t live like this. I am starting to really hate him. I think the next thing I will do is to try and enjoy my life as though he isn’t here.

  21. Tricia

    I can relate to all you ladies. My husband does all the things yours do except he did reduce his porn about 80%

    He is pretty helpful with the boys and will show affection or intereact with me but only if I ask. It doesn’t come from him. When I call him at work any pause in conversation and he says, “ok” as if to say, “Ok, are you done so I can go now.” He is up and down during dinner or won’t eat with us anyway. He’ll eat after the boys go to bed. He claims he wants a cooked meal and doesn’t want to rush (we have 2 hours after work to feed and bathe the boys so I mostly have quick fix meals like soup or grilled cheese etc.) And he rarely goes to bed before me. He goes 10 min. to 2 – 3 hours after or just sleeps on the couch.

    That’s my not trusting myself that got me into this. I knew he was wrong for me deep down but I didn’t trust that feeling. He hurts my feelings more than any man ever has. I’ve researched his behaviors and found that he’s passive aggressive, an invalidator, emotionally abusive, manipulative and he’s a huge procrastinator. We’ve been to a few counselors and he just diverts and denies and appears so calm, cool, relaxed, innocent that we can never get anything accomplished.

    I have my faults too. I’m a total nag because he doesn’t help much with the housework. I do way more than he and we both work full time. it is unfair.

    every thing in life he puts off and just sits there avoiding it. He is kind of a loser. His friends think he is awesome because he is the laid-back, funny, easygoing/flexible, humble, meek friend. But at home he is just vicious. He gets revenge on me for my reacting negatively to his bad behaviors. So he never has to pay any price for what he does.

    I’ve stopped doing his laundry because he said, “the more you try to stop me from watching porn, which he says is normal and healthy, the more you make it taboo”. So his clothes stay in a huge pile in the basement and he just washes his favorites once a week then leaves them unfolded on the bed till he wears each piece. He’s a pain in the ass. So I say to him, “just wanted to make your porn more taboo for you.” this all started because he left his tracks and I saw the temporary folders names with the porn he previously viewed. I told him if he were going to do it, have some respect for me and never leave a trace. He’s too lazy.

    I know I really should leave him but I do love him. I hate myself for saying those words. And he’s hilarious and unique but he’s really hard to live with, he pretends he can’t hear me every single day and he ignores me. I think about the boys and just don’t want them to deal with divorce but I think it might be best in some cases.

  22. Kristie

    I posted awhile back regarding my husband and his computer addiction. I just wanted to give an update. Although things are not perfect.. they have improved!! I do not know what caused it.. well, yeah I think I do. I sat down and nicely ( ok..so maybe not so calm.. I kinda flipped out and left for alittle bit..lol) told him yet again how it makes me feel. See, I do not care he plays on computer..I just want SOME of his time. But still that didnt change.. so I just started making less time for him. I started playing the computer when he would come to sit down and watch TV with me. Maybe it was a taste of his own medicine. Maybe after all this time it hit him.. I dont know. But like I said.. I still think he is playing it alot but at least he is including me in his life and that is all I asked for. I do love him and I am in love with him. But I was at the point of divorce and I told him that.

  23. daisylevi

    My husband ignores me too. Its sad he’s a great guy, hard working and a good father. He had a emotional relationship with my sister last year and I. Told him to stop but he brushed it off like he didn’t do any wrong. He rushes to her aid whenever she gets depressed and will sneek out of the house and be with her to 5 in the morning. We both work and he spends all his time on the computer. I even told him I needed qt time with him. Another thing I wanted to go to this youth church service with him and asked him for 4yrs to go and he always made an excuse not to go. We already go to church together so I don’t know why he didn’t want to go. Then after 4yrs I stopped asking And then one night he says he’s going to go with his brother. I miss him, but he makes me feel stupid, anoying and unwanted. I don’t know why he doesn’t want me or take me places anymore. I’m really hurt.

  24. helen

    I love my huband very much but it is getting harder. H e doesnt talk to me. He walks away, turns his back on me. Blames me for our problems or any problem. When I try to talk to him he just wont answer or he tells me to get out of his face. He doesnt talk to me about our finances. I am not included in any decisions and he doesnt tell me. I just find out accidently eventually. I am so sad and lost now I don’t even know what to think except I know how he treats me is wrong.

  25. Kate

    An update on my situation – I left and stayed with my parents for two months to give us some time apart. A month in we decided for a divorce and I spent the other month preparing and making plans for separating.

    We have to live together for the next six months for financial reasons, but I have to say that I feel REALLY good now!!! I am uninterested in what he does and am happy when he stays out all night. Up until two months ago I would have been pacing the floor wondering where he is and what he is doing.

    For the first time since we married I don’t go to sleep feeling miserable nor wake up with a heavy feeling in my heart.

    I am not proud that I have a failed marriage but I don’t want the rest of my life to be how it was last year, so I have had to swallow my pride and admit I (we) made a mistake in getting married to each other. I feel happy an optimistic now.

  26. Dimple

    I have been married for 2 years & ny husband has started ignoring me big time. he jus wants his computer & cell phone all the time,chatting with all stupid girls on chati sites,watching porn… I have told him so many times that i dnt like him watching porn but he does’nt seem to bother at all for my feelings. I feel like a closet wife, jus that when he has a urge for sex he comes close to me otherwise we hardly even kiss each other for days. He has started taking me for granted, now that I want a baby from him how to do that when I am not even close to him or his thoughts.

  27. linda

    My story is much the same. I just feel sad to hear how ‘common’ most of these stories are and how they all share common things, especially the blaming and not accepting responsibility or the desire to share or open up with the wife. I’m sure someone can tell us why? It’s true that most of us are scared to do anything at first because probably we’re in such shock that it’s happening to us! I don’t know, but at what point do men just shut off. I mean they make mistakes and we find it in our hearts to forgive and still love them but when we do something that hurts them , they use it as the poison and hold us against it for eternity or as an excuse to let themselves do whatever they want. Since when did they become the crappy defective version of women? They are totally unforgiving. what’s the point of marrying them if they’re going to damage the marriage so badly with their vindicative silence and outspoken tantrums of passive aggression? My disappointment is in the mothers that raised these beasts of men. Where did they go wrong?!? It’s easy to baby them when they’re young and all cute, but look at what they unleash to the women out there? Childish, unreliable, hurtful and self entitled men. Maybe the only way to cope is to imagine that your husband is 100 years old and he’s too useless for you to want to be next to him, so you make yourself gorgeous and you start to design your home and yourself and your life to suit you. You make life the center of you. Women before handed over the remote control to him when he sat on the couch, but ever since computers came, men are doing worse about participating in the family. At least before, when it was the remote control and t.v. we could sit next to them, but now with these computers, it just feels like we’re not wanted and this just makes it challenging for us to sit next to them and force ourselves to be included. Feels almost impossible. Maybe the key is to get them to do tasks but not letting them know that what we’re trying to do is to get them away from the screen. Make them go out and get the milk. Ask them to take out the trash. Oops you forgot the sugar, have him run out and get that, oh and can you pick up the laundry detergent or dry cleaning on the way home. Jr needs help with his math. Force them to kick the ball on week-ends with jr at the park but get jr excited forst so he doesn’t have a choice when son gets enthusiastic. I’ve seen very old men resistant and seen women have to resort to everything and they just hate doing anything but if you don’t get them to do anything to participate it gets worse with time. Men are just this way. Not all of them but it seems that for the most part, I hear the same story. We as women should be really kind to each other. I think many women secretly put up with many humiliating things. I hear people feel better when they start to think about themselves so joining favorite activities or interests help women start thinking more about themselves and their happiness. Maybe they just see themselves as ‘providers’ in a financial way but nothing else and oh, how boring and unimaginative is that! I guess it’s all up to us, wether we want to leave or wether we find enough goodness in him to work and hopefully find the rewards later on in life. Whatever you do, there’s only one thing we should do.! Take care of yourselves and keep yourselves as beautiful as you can so you feel good about yourself. Not for him, but for you! I believe love always finds you, so even if you have to stick with the current one make sure you show him that you care about yourself and well, in the long term we have to take care of ourselves because wether or not it works, we still have to be able to be loving, lovable and have something to give in a future relationship if you choose to travel down that path. I wish all the women of the world that the love and compassion will grow in the men they married, but also I pray that they feel less lonely, and more supported because it is a common problem in the world today that we are facing. God bless you all, and that love always be next to you giving you comfort in times of sorrow regardless of the journey. We aren’t alone.

  28. linda

    My story is much the same. I just feel sad to hear how ‘common’ most of these stories are and how they all share common things, especially the blaming and not accepting responsibility or the desire to share or open up with the wife. I’m sure someone can tell us why? It’s true that most of us are scared to do anything at first because probably we’re in such shock that it’s happening to us! I don’t know, but at what point do men just shut off. I mean they make mistakes and we find it in our hearts to forgive and still love them but when we do something that hurts them , they use it as the poison and hold us against it for eternity or as an excuse to let themselves do whatever they want. Since when did they become the crappy defective version of women? They are totally unforgiving. what’s the point of marrying them if they’re going to damage the marriage so badly with their vindicative silence and outspoken tantrums of passive aggression? My disappointment is in the mothers that raised these beasts of men. Where did they go wrong?!? It’s easy to baby them when they’re young and all cute, but look at what they unleash to the women out there? Childish, unreliable, hurtful and self entitled men. Maybe the only way to cope is to imagine that your husband is 100 years old and he’s too useless for you to want to be next to him, so you make yourself gorgeous and you start to design your home and yourself and your life to suit you. You make life the center of you. Women before handed over the remote control to him when he sat on the couch, but ever since computers came, men are doing worse about participating in the family. At least before, when it was the remote control and t.v. we could sit next to them, but now with these computers, it just feels like we’re not wanted and this just makes it challenging for us to sit next to them and force ourselves to be included. Feels almost impossible. Maybe the key is to get them to do tasks but not letting them know that what we’re trying to do is to get them away from the screen. Make them go out and get the milk. Ask them to take out the trash. Oops you forgot the sugar, have him run out and get that, oh and can you pick up the laundry detergent or dry cleaning on the way home. Jr needs help with his math. Force them to kick the ball on week-ends with jr at the park but get jr excited forst so he doesn’t have a choice when son gets enthusiastic. I’ve seen very old men resistant and seen women have to resort to everything and they just hate doing anything but if you don’t get them to do anything to participate it gets worse with time.

  29. linda

    Men are just this way. Not all of them but it seems that for the most part, I hear the same story. We as women should be really kind to each other. I think many women secretly put up with many humiliating things. I hear people feel better when they start to think about themselves so joining favorite activities or interests help women start thinking more about themselves and their happiness. Maybe they just see themselves as ‘providers’ in a financial way but nothing else and oh, how boring and unimaginative is that! I guess it’s all up to us, wether we want to leave or wether we find enough goodness in him to work and hopefully find the rewards later on in life. Whatever you do, there’s only one thing we should do.! Take care of yourselves and keep yourselves as beautiful as you can so you feel good about yourself. Not for him, but for you! I believe love always finds you, so even if you have to stick with the current one make sure you show him that you care about yourself and well, in the long term we have to take care of ourselves because wether or not it works, we still have to be able to be loving, lovable and have something to give in a future relationship if you choose to travel down that path. I wish all the women of the world that the love and compassion will grow in the men they married, but also I pray that they feel less lonely, and more supported because it is a common problem in the world today that we are facing. God bless you all, and that love always be next to you giving you comfort in times of sorrow regardless of the journey. We aren’t alone. Good luck girls!

  30. Sara

    Hi,

    i’m sorry i haven’t read all the posts but got the same problem. We got married just a year ago, when we just knew each other for only 5 months. He had a good job but we decided to move where I was living because i had bought a house. problem here is that english is not spoken and my husband speaks only english. So of course, not easy for him: he has to learn a new languages, he has no friends or family member here… I know and understand that he is frustrated but whenever he doesn’t feel fine, he just stop talking and ignoring me. Even when he is fine, he doens’t seem to consider my point of view saying that as he is the one who moved, i’m the one who has to listen and do everything! The other day I went to doctor and when i came back home, he didn’t even ask me how i was… why? because he noticed that i was into-mood in the morning… is it a sin to be in bad mood sometimes??
    Nyway, until today, everytime he stopped talking i tried to talk but everytime he says it’s my fault… i’m just fed up! after just a year… I don’t even know if i still love him…
    > Any advice??

  31. Kelly

    I am in a 9 yr relationship ( we are not married, but have been living together for about 6 years) and we have 2 little girls under age 5. Lately, we have not been getting along at all. He made a comment about me not cooking right and I told him to cook it himself then. I do ALL the housework and childcare, bathing, dressing, brushing teeth, EVERYTHING with kids and EVERYTHING around the house. When I ask him to help he just says he’s tired. Also, recently I went back to college part-time. Since I made that comment about the food about a mnth ago he won’t speak with me. He mostly ignores what I say. His answers are mostly yes or no. He threatened to take the kids to his home country in the middle east. This is really the only reason I stay with him, because I am afraid he will try to take my girls away. He doesn’t need US passports for them to travel, he can get them from the country he is from and I would never know. I am tired of being threatened with this and being ignored and treated badly, but I don’t know what to do. I’m really afraid of what he might do with our girls.

  32. candi

    Hello ladies,
    I am a military wife with three small children ages 3,3,2. yes twins, I am in a foriegn country, don’t speak the language, and we only have one car which he has all the time. I feel like a lot of you, stupid for putting up with it. My husband not having a normal job is not home alot, there are numerous times he is gone for feild problems, tdy, deployments, long nights, ect. I signed on to this marriage knowing I was going to be number 2 on his list of priorities, the military always being number 1, however I can not accept playing second fiddle to a computer. I should have known from the start, he spent our wedding night playing video games with his buddy. I tried to seduce him only months into our marriage by dressing in a sexy teddy with a psp controller tie around my waist in attempt to gain his attention. I asked him if he knew any cheat codes to get to secret level “O”. He took one look at me and give him 15 more minutes and he’d meet me in the bed room. 2 hours later I took the teddy off and went to bed crying as I listend to the sound fx from stronghold. I should have left then. But much like the rest of you optimistic hopeful ladies I thought he would learn to value me. 7 years, three kids, 4 seperations, and 5 duty stations later it’s the same story. Honestly I question why I follow this man around the world when he seem to care less if his family is with him. We have seen many ppl to help us with our issues, went on marital retreats, I have played his games with him, noting seems to help. He is mean when he is not on the pc, it’s outrageous. I do not want to fee like a widow when my husband is still alive. I don’t want my kids to look at him and think that is how you father a child. He doesn’t have anything really to do with them except for telling them he is busy all the time. When I tell him about first words or first steps he tells me about new characters and levels that he made it to. Like any of his points and levels count for anything in real life. I am so fed up honestly I would rather have a broken neck then put up with this anymore. I guess the only thing stopping me is I am afraid for my kids that he won’t care that they are gone. Or that he will care and it will be to late b/c i will be back in the states. It’s not even a matter of if I leave anymore it’s a matter of when… I’m not even angry at him anymore, I am angry at his mother for not finishing her job of turning him in to a man. his dad died when he was 16 so I feel like it was on her to do so and she didn’t finish. Am I wrong?

  33. Melanie

    My husband and I worked for years through the dot com crash with an internet business. Marketing and such. We moved out to FL to so he could help his Dad in the mental health business. Now he is a therapist with his own business. He feels the only way to market is online. As a webdesigner I put his site as number one geographically on the internet. His office is his home unless he is seeing someone out at their home or in a virtual office.

    He spends all of his time on the computer (marketing, group networking, or on-line counseling). He NEVER smiles any more. I almost don’t recognize him with his cement frown. If I say anything, this normally caring wonderful guy acts as if I am a nag, snaps back at me and so on. He ignores the kids unless they approach him, which they are reluctant to do because his attitude is so unpredictable. The only time he smiles is when he is working (therapy for agoraphobics, depression, alcoholism, etc.) or an hour or so after he treats someone. And yeah I am the maid and the handyman now.

    While I appreciate what he does for a living, helping people, and see it as a gift, he has completely forgotten why he’s doing this. He even gives out his personal cell number to his clients that text him constantly.

    He says, after I mention things are so different, he wants to work on things but makes no effort unless he is suffering from something he can take care of himself. I don’t like being a conjugal visit. I try to be congenial, spurratic, and fun like we always were, he responds barely, or phoney – all on his way to the computer. I need volumes of issues and an appointment to get through this shell.

    When out in public, he is condescending and mean. It’s so embarassing. Yet he can’t figure out why when his only effort to fix things is “let’s go to lunch” I am hesitant to get into a public situation with him. I hate fighting so as usual, the blame shifts to me. Because of all of this I feel worthless and useless as a woman.

    I think he needs someone to rescue 24-7. Too bad he doesn’t see the recue operation he needs to perform with us. After 17 years and 5 kids, I cannot tear the family up. Only work overtime to teach the kids alternatives to this behavior and play both Mom and Dad roles. Seems like such a sad ending to what was for 14 years such a strong, fun, and loving marriage. I have been replaced with needy and codependent people. And honestly, it isn’t that I can’t stand up, I just can’t help but feel like giving up. It feels like loss and it seems hard and hopeless to fight after so long.

  34. Hoda

    This is really sad … I cried over some comments. I’ve been married for less than a year and I’m facing this problem too! I mean..he comes home and goes straight to his laptop, plays for 5 hours or so and then gets mad at himself for not studying all this time and then I have to listen to him nagging …

    When I sleep during day, I tell him to wake me up after two hours, but he instead plays on his laptop n doesn’t care! then i wake up n he remembers to study! I tell him to study while I’m sleep so we can go out when I wake up but he doesn’t…
    Once he even said “I guess I have to start beating u up so u can understand me” or yells at me for not taking my plate to kitchen while he leaves his stuff on table for weeks!

    It’s really sad … Also he had kept a love letter after our marriage while I threw away everything to have a new begging. .. he finally threw it away..but I wanted him to do it before I told him, not when I found out about it! it means he would have kept it forever if he could …

    Arrrghhhh I’m only 22 n I can’t take this anymore! I might end up being a lesbian! I hate how guys act 😐

  35. Hoda

    to Kate

    I know a lot of guys who just marry for staying in USA. They just food u, then when u accept to marry them, they abandon you… I wouldn’t waste time on him! All he wants is the Visa!
    You deserve more!!!! or go to counseling…try everything before divorce, but don’t let him take advantage of you!

  36. michelle

    WOW!!!! my husband is in so many of these posts!!! we were married after 4 years together. during those 4 years there were nights that i would beg him to just let me go to sleep. he HAD to have sex every night!! almost as soon as we were married we deployed together to Iraq where there’s not much privacy even for married couples who share a housing unit. i lived with his lack of attention because i could understand his worries that the guy who lived next to us, separated only by a thin sheet of metal, might hear us and file sexual harassment charges. i thought that after we returned from our deployment that things would change. i was so wrong and have been so very dissappointed in my second year of marriage to the man i fell in love with.

    he became addicted to internet porn during the deployment. so many of the guys we were over there with were looking at it so he thinks it’s normal. what he doesn’t understand is that they don’t look at it when they’re home with their wives. most of them told him that their wife would kill them if she found out…even though they were separated by thousands of miles for months at a time.

    before we left Iraq i installed a monitoring software on our computer because of some emails that i found. he knew that i had the password and didn’t delete them so it’s like he wanted me to see his conversations…so i made sure that i’ll see ALL of his conversations!!! i’ve since found him chatting a few times that i’ve questioned. once he even told a girl that if she’d let him know the next time she was coming to town that he’d make plans to “be on the road {for work}that night” so that he could spend time with her. he now knows about the software because i was unable to control my reactions to that chat. his chats have become completely benign since then. when i comment on his porn habits he tells me that he’ll keep looking and he doesn’t care what i say about it.

    now, i’m a very attractive woman by others’ standards. guys always tell him how lucky he is to have a wife like me (the looks, the personality, the motherly ways of taking care of him…and they assume that we have great sex all of the time). i don’t understand how he can take me for granted. he wakes up at about 0600 for work and is ready to leave by 0630. the monitoring site sends information that he’s on the porn sites by 0631. we have sex one night a week and then only if it’s accompanied by battery operated devices. the last time we had sex he never kissed me and didn’t even want me to face him. he blames the lack of libido on his age…he’s almost 51 and i’m almost 42.

    when we met he told me that his problems with his ex-wife were because of her lack of desire for him. i’m beginning to question that…i’m also beginning to question his commitment to our marriage. i can’t leave him because my career would be ruined and i have 3 children at home, one of whom will have my first grandchild in about 2 months. i also refuse to leave because i intend to make this work. this is my third marriage…bad choices the first two times, too…and i cannot be a failure again in the marriage department. i want to go to counseling but i’m afraid that, like Tricia’s husband, he’ll be the nice guy and make me look like the crazy, insecure wife.

    HELP PLEASE!!!!!

  37. Computer Husband

    I play a computer game, and it has been a problem, and continues to be a problem. I stopped playing the game for a 3 or 4 month stretch, because it was such a problem. I just asked my wife if she was happier during that time, and she said yes. I was surprised, because during that time I didn’t notice any change in the quality of our relationship. I’m sorry to say it but us guys are just dense.

    In light of my deluded opinion that stopping with playing the game didn’t do anything positive to the relationship, I started playing again. I found out in the last couple days this was not so good. You see, I would never tell my wife to get out of my face. She belongs in my face, and I like to hear what she has to say. When she brought this blog up, I predictably came back to the computer and saw it. I got the message.

    I am going to curtail my time at the computer to something, maybe one or two hours. When I look at the suggestions posted above I see things that my wife has done things like get on and play the game with me(she didn’t enjoy it because I tried to control the way she played). I know she’s done other things to, though my dim mind didn’t pick up on the cues.

    I’ll still like to try to get my wife to play my game, but if she does I would this time not try to control the way she plays. I do not in any way want my ‘entertainment’ to get in the way of my marriage.

    C.H.

  38. Redlou

    My husband was one of my best friends. The first time I was pregnant he treated me horrible and ignored me. When the baby came he was a wonderful father and husband. Our daughter is almost 5 now and we decided to have another child. He started treating me terribly again soon after I found out I was pregnant. He stopped coming home after work, ignoring me, playing on the computer when he is home. I feel lonely and abandoned most of the time. He has burst of nice moments, but then converts right back again. I am afraid he will stay like this and maybe I am seeing his true colors. I am not sure what to do as I love my husband, but I have a hard time trusting him. He treats me different around different people. Today we stopped at his work to visit him after my daughter and my music lessons. My daughter wanted to stop. I wanted to play a particularly difficult guitar song for him. Under a minute of his time. He walked in the other room right after I started the song and stood in a doorway and acted embarrassed by me. I can’t take the hurt anymore. What should I do? I love him and want my husband, friend, and childrens father back.

  39. V

    Men are all the same if we allow it to happen to us. At the first sign of unhappiness one should leave. You only live once and you control the emotions you allow in your life. People change thru life. Dont feel bad if things were perfect in the beginning and then became horrid and unbearable. Sometimes people loose love for the person and you have to accept the signs.

  40. Jennifer Linares

    hey my name is jennifer and i’m so depressed cause all my hubby does is play games no stop he gets home from work and turns on the computer and hes on it all the time!! he never wants to spend time with me!! he says that he is spending time with me when hes playing his game and watching tv with me thats not spending time at all thats heart breaking!! on his days of hes on that am to 1 am he don’t want to go to bed with me no-more he just wants to be on his game all day and night!! get this though the min his friend ask him if he wants to do something he’s like yea but i have to go stores by myself n stuff i feel so alone!! my daughter has to talk to him when hes at the computer!!! idk what to do i feel alone.. i cry and he don’t care he never cares if i cry he never holds me nothing i don’t know what to do i really hate this feeling i’m really alone but yet I’m married

  41. sugar

    Hi everyone

    As i wrote the stories, i couldn’t belive , how mutch other woman have to go thru the same torture as i do. I have to tell you first, that my husband and i had a beautyful lovestory and relationship. We found eatchother 2007 on the internet, on a chattroom. To make it shorter, we chattet, spoke on the phone, saw us by cam and wrote letters over the ocean and back for 1 1/2 years.

    Then we finally met in person, and we got married, he mouved from beautyful california to me in switzerland. Everything was doing fine for 2 yeears, but now it starts, that he is only sitting on the PC anymore. I dont mind the PC , but lately its so mutch that i start feeling lonley…same time he is being very rude to me, how he answers me and generell the way he treads me.

    I dont know, how to get to him anymore, its taking me appart….but i see, other ones experianced this too

  42. ezy

    My loser husband has been ignoring my feeling, no romance, no passion ever since we met but i have been waiting for the time we will celebrate our success together as we both were the young, bright, dynamic, presentable persons. Once, we made it for the reasonable good income, well being and comfortable life, he got many approached by those young Thai women who just wants to share our fortune by getting into bed with this loser guy of my life. He seems to enjoy the approach and completely don’t have a feeling or romance or passion after our long time of hardship together !! I am now having enough and really HATE HIM, I want him to get out of my life. He has told me all of his affairs with other women with the hope that we can improve our relationship, i was listening and try my best to save our life together as we got a lovely son, beautiful house, outstanding companies, real estates togethers. I am now getting to 49 he is 44 and i don’t think that i can complete with those young hungers of our money. I am still looking good, quick sense of good business, good connection, and own a lot of fund and asset.

    Some other rich older men are more than ready to take over me from this loser guy,

    What should I do with this guy and my son ?

  43. rachna

    hi
    i m feeling the same way. Starting of my marriage was a diaster.
    My husband was a drink alcohlic.He was very dominating.After 6 months of my marriage i became pregnent but he was not happy. He was very abusive about me and my family.He used to drink daily and try to intimidate me.I was very scared about my child.He showed the world as he was very caring and loving person but in reality he was a very unloving person.I got scared due to his abusiveness.I talked to him regarding this but no results.He continued abusing me and threatning me.THERE was no communication between us.It was very depressing 4r me,then he left me at my parents home 4r delivery.But he did not communicated 2 me in 3months.There i realised nor i was a daughter or wife but i was a mother of a girl child.Soon i realised my responsibilities and again started my life, but after 2 yrs of marriage again he started the same behaviour.He used 2 drink a lot nd wont listen to anybody even his dad.
    Asain i was facing the same situation but cudn’t find the answer,i m still struggling 2 get out of this situation,

    If anybody can give solution to my problems pls help me.

  44. Sophie

    My married life sucks! It’s boring… and I feel empty and alone. I can’t sleep or I cry myself to sleep because I don’t feel loved and cared for. My husband is sleeping like a baby while I am staring in the darkness crying and longing for him to give me attention. I hate being married!!!

  45. christina

    I cant believe how many of you have the same problem. This is just crazy. I’m 19 and a newlywed. I have 2 jobs and go to school and my husband has 1 job and doesn’t want to go to college or anything. As soon as he gets home its the computer. I try to cuddle with him but he pushes me away and screams at me.
    he doesn’t come to bed until 4am and then sleeps until he has work at 5 then comes home at 10 and then back on the computer. All he cares about is this stupid game called knight online. I have to pay for all of the dates we go on and bills. I have no idea where his money goes. Ugh at least he pays half of rent. But this is the last time i pay for the internet! ill just go to starbucks when i have to use it.

  46. veena

    husband is not transparent with me give morepanishment
    but i have two child one 18 years and other is 10year
    what to do?

  47. ichhe

    29.My husband comes home, eats and goes straight to his computer. He is there all night and only comes to bed when he is knackered.we r newly married couple.and nw i’m carrying 4 month.but my husband ignores me.

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